my soul is dying

I don't know how much longer I can hold on to the way things are going. My soul is slowly dying. 

I need to change my career 

tonight was weird

Tonight was mostly a normal night.  Ryan and I went wine walking. Was normal enough. He didn't win at the raffle. We ate at Thai Corner for dinner. I had delicious boba. 

We stopped at Pizza Reno to go drink a bit more before going to Jackie's party. Ryan almost wanted to go home. We got in an argument about it. Fabian came back and got us anyway. 

So we got there a little bit after 9pm. We drank shots. Played Mario Kart on tiny console. I even played bartender. Ryan and Michael were playing beer pong when Fabian decided to head out. They were a few games undefeated. Jackie and I decided to play to see if we could beat them. We beat them!!! Woohoo! We even had a few runs of balls back where we kept getting the shots in! It was nuts! We all shook hands and then we challenged other people to take us on. One of the ones who wanted to play was Herman. He had a man bun. Fabian and I had started to play the circle game w him where if you made the hand gesture below the waist and the other person looked, they would have to do 2 push ups. It was a kickboxing thing. Fabian and Jackie were kickboxing friends. I had gotten Herman a few times throughout the night. 

Anyway Herman stepped up and new friend Louisa was his girlfriend.. sort of. So we called her over but she didn't want to play beer pong w him. Instead she played Mario Kart w a few others. Jackie and I also won against Herman and Ryan - who replaced Louisa as his teammate. We won! And so to celebrate we decided to do shots. Jackie didn't want shots but the 2 boys and myself did. We took a shot of peppermint schnapps. Then Herman got behind the bar and pretended to be the bartender. He was supposed to make me a martini since the only drinks left were gin and vermouth and tequila with a bunch of soda as mixers. But he kept trying to mix wrong things! I was yelling at him for not making me a martini. 

Then out of nowhere Louisa storms across the big room and tells at me for flirting w her boyfriend. She was pulled away by Jackie but 2nd round she yelled at me and throws her drink at Herman. Drama rama! She was in the bathroom with Jackie almost until we had to leave. If we had left sooner we could have missed a 3rd run in with her but we helped take decorations and lights down before we left! Oof we should have just left!

That was STRESSFUL

Well that was stressful! My phone was acting up because its cracked backside. I really shouldn't have brought it tonight and should have asked Ry if I could borrow his. It was 2 min without music in class and girls were saying "it's weird because we can hear each other breathing."

I just filed a claim for a new phone so it should arrive within a few days. It was just stressful. And trying to get back to coaching after that .. just felt off. But luckily the girls are amazing and didn't complain too much and hung in there. They said it was a hard workout so that's something! I'm hoping it only got better after my phone turned off. Jessica loaned me her phone for a bit so that was super nice. I'm going to use Ryan's phone tomorrow for sure.

I found the word

2 posts ago I was speaking of a post coaching high. I realize what this feeling is: empowered.

I feel empowered when I help empower others. It is an amazing feeling!

That is all.

::mic drop::

Today was a good day

Today was definitely long. I had to pay for maintenance for my truck and so there goes my Hawaii spending money. Ha!

Had to make the effort to pick that truck up as soon as I made myself eat breakfast and was ready at 8am. Also I had to find my classroom today as I started school again. I'm going to take it easy but from 9am to 2pm I will be in drawing class on Fridays. I haven't been in school for at least a decade. It was time. Well no. I guess I took Spanish after I graduated but either way. It has been quite some time!

So I had to book it back north after picking up my truck. I figured Safeway would have a sketch book as I wasn't sure what to bring to a drawing class. And got some water there. Made it to TMCC and was only 3 minutes late. If I had looked up the room number while Ry drove me to my truck I would have made it on time but c'est la vie..

I learned about foreshortening.. and sighting.. I have to say.. sighting is kind of hard.. It takes patience. But if you want to be good at it, you need to do it.. it's all about ratios.. how big is this thing next to this thing.. and how many sizes is it away from it.. and what is the angle this thing from that thing.. its neat.. I never thought there would be technique to art.. but of course I never took art.. and took it for granted..until now 😅

Then I had to go home and eat.. and get ready to coach Kaia dance. Coaching dance is so hard at times because you have to know what's next and if you aren't paying attention.. it creeps up on you.. I loved tonight tho.. 80s themed for Hell week.. aptly we ended w my ab song: highway to hell.. hahaha I think that's also 80s song is it not ?

I miss my dad. I know he is physically gone but I also know from days like these where I'm smiling all day that he's looking out and is part of my joy. I finally feel like I'm getting back to my old self again. Today was a long day. It was a scary day. But it was a good day as well.

Post coaching high

I wonder if other coaches experience this post coaching high that I seem to be on tonight. It was and still is electric. This feeling that you get when girls are having a blast while working out. I haven't felt it this strong in a good while.

Is it the endorphins of working out? Or is that you are serving others in a way that helps them be better with their health, body, and mind. When I'm being a nurse, I think I'm helping people, but sometimes it feels an awful like being a glorified pill pusher. I always encourage my patients to live a healthier life but sometimes it's like pulling teeth. Someone comes in because they can't breathe. You encourage them to stop smoking but they really just want you to get them over this hump at this moment. When they get home, they will light that cigarette again. But when you're coaching, it's different. It's this real thing. You're helping mold people and their way of looking at their wellbeing. They WANT knowledge about quinoa or essential vitamins and how to squat properly without hurting themselves. They want to be pre emptive about their health and aging - physical, emotional and spiritually. They don't want to stick a bandaid on and be better just for this session. It amazes me how one class can just revive me.

I want more! Let me help you. Let me make you move. I want more. I'm thirsty for more of this healthy lifestyle. Give me more!!!

Getting back into things

Last week I was flu ridden.. it was really just terrible and I feel like it's a waste of time. I know sickness doesn't discriminate or care if I think it's a waste of time but I have goals to hit damnit! Thursday was particularly bad with the coughing and just barely able to eat.

I'm back now. I took a double class tonight but still holding back just a tad. The cough is lingering and I don't know if I'm going to be 100% for Friday. I'm co-coaching a 90 minute dance workout for our Kaia Grand Re-opening. I don't know if I should invite Ry. It won't have a ton of guys and it's also dance. But I also want him to see me coach. He will probably say no. But I guess I won't know unless I ask.

Seems like a sensitive topic. I want people to see me coach but I also don't want to be judged. Is that strange? I want to show people my passion but I also don't want to be judged about it. Especially by Ry.

I want him to be proud but I don't want him to think its dumb. 🤣 we shall see.